saunter on over to freechickenwangs.blogspot.com !

change is always good.

The prime of my adolescense starts now.

It's time to start new.

Mama, please

everything is going to get better.
I promise.

Confirmation

On the outside, confirmation is pretty much like a graduation from CCD. No more of that little kid stuff; you are now an adult in the Catholic Church. Thirteen years of CCD and as a prize you get a cross on the forehead and a handshake from the Bishop.


On the inside, it is much more than that. It has taken years for my relationship with God to be this strong, and it is getting stronger every day. At first, I didn't want to get confirmed because I didn't really know what the point of it was. I didn't think it was important, and no one really motivated. That was, until I formed a close group in class with Theresa, Kayla, Karl, Rex, Arlene, and Eric. They are the reason I stayed in Confirmation class. I know you're supposed to do it for God, but how can you without a little push? Because they influenced me to stay in class, I developed a closer relationship to God. I read the bible almost every day, and I thank God ALL the time. Because GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME; ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD.

I'm really excited to recieve the Holy Spirit tomorrow. At the same time, I'm sad that I won't get to be with all the people I've known ever since I came to Holy Spirit. But hey, it's life. You move on and you separate!

Im excited to get confirmed because I'm excited to be more involved with the church. Hopefully by next month, I'll be a lector for the Thursday mass! The elders need to retire anyway, and Father Tim LOVES it when younger people step up and get involved. Maybe I'll even become a CCD teacher for younger kids in the future. Who knows? THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT WITH JESUS AND THE HOLY SPIRIT BY MY SIDE :D

History is a bridge connecting the past with the present and pointing the road to the future.

Sprang break

day 1
day 2
day 3
day 4 great wolf lodge :[

Jesus, Take the wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat

Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
?Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock

And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life

I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
?Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go

So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

---

This song really touched me. It reminded me of my mom and how I want her to let Jesus take the wheel of the road she's on. She's always so stressed and I wou;d rather suffer than to see her going through this daily. She does SO much for my family and we don't give her enough credit; especially me. The song made me cry and made me think about how I could change the way I live. I am going to try to be less selfish and try to be there for my mom. I have to let her know that she is not alone and I will help her.

I was thinking about a lot of things

From the ride from school to Johnny's house. I was sitting next to Leland, who is a three year old boy produced by Johnny's brother and his wife.

When you're three, you can't see through the whole window. You can't see much over the top of your carseat but the tops of the trees and houses and stoplights. You can see the clouds and the sky. Once you get out of the car you see that the sky is blue, the clouds are white, and the pond is brown.

But when you are older than three years old, you begin to see everything else. You see the for sale signs on the abandoned fields next to the developing shopping centers and neighborhoods. I wondered if you could buy a piece of land and plant trees. But you wouldn't gain any monetery value. You would just gain more oxygen.

When you are older than three years old you begin to question why the sky is blue, the clouds are white, and the lake is brown. The sky is blue because the color blue is being reflected off the water from the sea. The clouds are white because they reflect the colors of the rainbow. The pond is brown because it is polluted with trash, different liquids, and decayed fishes, turtles, and ducks.

I looked at Leland and imagined myself as him. How nice it would be, to be three years old again.

The first most amazing night thus far

Sleeping on the floor with you wasn't that bad at all. It was hard for us to sleep because I kept fidgeting around, trying to find a cofortable positon. But I gave up, and so did you. And we decided to talk bout the future.
I was parallel next to you on the blanket-covered floor, staring up at the blank ceiling in the dark.
"Pretend that what you see up there is a moving cloud, and tell me what you see."
I mostly talked about what I had imagined before, not what I supposedly saw at that particular moment so I could sleep. It was about three or four a.m., and I wanted my sleep.
I was dozing off next to you while you were talking, and you decided to turn on the T.V. and watch wrestling. The lights and the sounds hindered me from falling asleep, so I stayed up with you.
When I told you I wasn't sleepy, you turned the T.V. off and turned your body so that you were at eye level with me. I told you I could see your eye and giggled; so did you. Even though the room was almost pitch black, I saw you smile. You asked me to marry you, and I said yes.
It was finally five a.m. by the time we both dozed off. I fell asleep with you in my arms, just the way you like it.
During the middle of the night, I awoke to passionate kisses. Countless "I love you's" were exchanged during the period of time we were awake until we fell asleep.
My alarm woke me up, and I tried waking you up too, but I gave up and fell asleep.
I wokeup again with the room totally filled with sunlight. I kissed you until you were awake. When your yes were finally open, I stared into them and watched your pupils dialate. I saw black flecks within your "doo doo brown" iris.
I acted stupid and crazy with you for about an hour. I unleashed a side of me you may or may not have seen before, but I know you enjoyed it nonetheless.

Then, it was time for a beautiful breakfast.

It was truly a beautiful and amazing night/morning. I'm so glad you're in my life. You truly are a blessing. Thank you for accepting me, loving me, and being my friend and boyfriend. I felt like after that night together, our souls were intertwined somehow.

rouge

DEAR ELIZABETH "QUEENIE" DEL ROSARIO,

I am writing this a few hours earlier, just because.
HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY.
I wish you all the best. May your dreams come true. And live life to the fullest.



If I didn't know you as well as I do now, I probably would say that.
But I do know you somewhat, at least I think I do, despite the lack of communication these past few months.
Happy Sixteenth Birthday.
You are a year older, yay for you. Age is just a number, baby. To me, you were already sixteen. So in my eyes, you are about 17, haha. You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Inside, and out. You stick to your values and you stand up for what you believe. When you set a goal for yourself, you stick to it and don't back down. Your persistance is one of the things I admire most about you. I'm so glad that you are in my life. I can never thank you enough for being there for me, when no one else would be willing to waste their hours of sleep on me when I was hurt. During ne of those nights I remember you said, "I won't let you fall." I think you are the only one whose said that to me and meant it. Oh my gosh I am tearing, haha. Oh no, a tear just fellfrom the right eye. That means it's a tear from happiness! Anyway. Remember when we met? I came up to you because you were talking to Mandy. You looked like me so I figured that we could be friends, maybe. The first thing I said to you was, "Hi! I'm Erica! Will you be my new best friend?" And you replied with, "Sure! I'm Queenie and I like penguins," or something along that line. After that, we started to be around each other more and discovered that we were sort of like twins. We had the same hair, the same yellow shirt from pacsun, and the same height. You became a big, big part of my summer. We became so close. We spent countless hours comforting each other, TALKING ABOUT BOYS, and talking about whatver. Oh yeah, did I mention boys? I've never talked about boys with anyone as much as I've talked about them with you. You were so fun to talk to, and you still are. Remember when we snuck out and went with Tonetti and Ronnie to elbow road, the parking lot, and walmart from like 3-5? I've never had that adrenaline rush before. I'm glad that I suggested to get you for our adventure. We don't have as much memories as I'd like, but HEY, that means we have to CREATE MORE! I feel like you were such a great part of me, and since I feel like we're drifting at the moment, I really miss you. I miss it when you serenade to me. But that is why I watch your videos when the lack of your presence becomes almost unbearable. I hope that doesn't sound lesbionic to you. But that is ironic to say since we do have a lot of lesbionic-type moments which I do enjoy. But that is besides the point. In the smallest amount of time you did become someone I could count on. You are truly a blessing and I appreciate you. I'm glad I'm your friend. I hope your dreams of becoming famous do come true! If that happens I'll create a secret Queenie shrine in my closet. haha jaykay. Your voice is beautiful, your face is beautiful, and your internal organs are beautiful. I hope you have a WONDERFUL birthday. I love you! :D

A year from now; the future

Seeing Kim's Debut pictures and reading about it on people's blogs makes me sad that they're growing up and moving up and on, but happy for them. It also makes me excited for things to come.
I was always jealous of their expriences, and I wanted to have the same experiences as them, at the same time.

But my time to have MY OWN experience with MY OWN friends is coming- sooner than I think. And I'm excited.

I am welcoming the future with open arms.
This year, I found what I wanted. Or rather, those things found me.
I've discovered my group of true friends. The people who are up for anything, anywhere, anytime. This year is already starting to be the best ever because of them.

Things to look forward to:
RINGDANCE !!!
Being a part of DEBUTS towards the end of the year :D

I'll have my time, I'll have my time.
But I thank the people who let me get a peek at their lives, their experiences.
I'll never forget.

Although this probably doesn't make sense to you, it does to me. Reminder to myself, haha.

You ain't nobody until someone loves you

At least, I think thats what Father Joseph said during the Homily today.
The homily today was probably the best one I’ve heard in a really long time. Instead of Father Tim doing the mass today, Father Joseph from St. Matthew did the mass and it was his last official one before he retired and went home to the Philippines.

He also told a story about a priest being a professor at a university and his athiest student. The student, Tommy, asked if he will ever see God. The professor replied, “No.” Then he asked if he will ever find God. The professor replied with, “No, but He will find you.” A few years later he came back to the priest/professor and told him he had cancer. He also asked him if he will know the time and place in which he will meet God. He replied saying, “Tell the people that mean the most to you that you love them.” Tommy did so and died three months later. The priest was at his fneral and tried to explain those last 3 months of Tommy’s life. He said that he went from becoming an athiest to a believer, and he was transfigured.

He talked about how we misuse the word “love” towards the things we can never love. He also talked about how we use it towards people we don’t love, and how we doubt people when they say “I love you.” He said we shouldn’t doubt, because if we doubt love, we will never be loved. He quoted a line from a song that went “You ain’t nobody until someone loves you.” And that’s so true. You are no one until someone loves you, and that someone includes yourself.

At the end of the homily he told us he loves each and every one of us. Then he instructed us to turn to our left and right and tell the people beside us we love them.

I never thought I would see the day

when my mind has clear skies.
And no thoughts of you cloud my thoughts.
When I am happy for what you have, for who you have.
When I am finally, finally done.
When I am not bitter of what you've done, and what you haven't done.
When we would both be happy with someone else.
When I realized you aren't what I need now, and who I needed at the time I thought I did.
When I am finally able to say goodbye.
And when you have finally
stopped
haunting
me.

But I am living in that day- today.

The Almost

"Dirty and Left Out"

The line, "Why do you want to be in my life" reminds me of someone, and how I became an essential part of their life. He told me I was important to him. But he lived many miles away. I didn't believe him at first, just because of that distance factor. But he made time for me. But then, he cut off the bond. He reappeared and apologized for hurting me, but did it again. He has no dissapeared from my life. But I still continue to dream about him.

"Amazing because it is"

The lines, "Why do you need me to be the boy you want me to be," remind me of that same person. I wanted him to be there for me even more. Even after he served his time. But he refused. "I can't be the person you want me to be." All I wanted him was for him to be there. But then he dissapeared.

The line, "Why do you spread your arms and tell me I'm free?" from "Dirty and left Out" and the line, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found," From "Amazing because it is," corrlate with one another.

It reminds me of October 31,2009. That was the day I saw the sun rise on the beach for the first time. It was the most breathtaking sight I've seen. At first, I wanted to see the sunrise with someone special. But he was no longer in my life. I wanted to see it with him when we were together, but that didn't happen. Then I wanted to see it with him when we were on good terms, which still hadn't happened. But the fact that I wanted to see it with him was an attatchment. A weight. A shackle and chains. But when I saw it, he wasn't on my mind at all. My best friend was with me. And Jesus. I saw the sun rise with who I needed to see it with. And honestly, I did feel free. "Why do you spread your arms and tell me I'm free?" I'm not sure if I did spread my arms, but my heart sure did. My heart was released from the shackle and chains. The attatchment was broken. The weight was lifted. I did not need him. I needed Him. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." I was broken. But I was healed by God's grace. By his beauty. I was lost. I didn't know where I was going with my life, really. Around that time in my life, I felt so alone. But I was found. I found strength and guidance within Jesus. "I once was lost, but now I'm found." The sunrise started a new day. For me, it started a new begining in my life.

Amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found.
I was blind but now I see.

I just wanna see.

Avatar

That movie had SO MUCH symbolism.
THe people of Pandora pretty much represented the Native Americans and the humans represented the white men. The humans were only on earth to obtain an element that would bring them a ot of money once they got back to earth. THe white men wanted the land that belonged to the Native Aericans. The humans called the people of Pandora savages, and thats what the white men called the Native Americans. Nothing could stop the humans from getting their obsidian, or so it seemed. The humans were powerful. They had weapons of mass destruction. THe people of Pandora had bows, arrows, and their fellow animals. The white men had their cannons and guns. The Native Americans had their bows and arrows too. But the peple of Pandora defeated the humans. The Native Americans sadly did not defeat the white men. And most of the Native Americans are dead. THe Native Americans and the people of Pandora had a similar way of life- being one with the earth. Literally, that's how Pandora worked.

the lake

The weather today was beautiful, so I decided to save Kevin's gas and walk home and bask in the glorious weather. When I reached the bottom of the gate, I hesitated with the decision to go to the park by Ian's house or not. I walked about halfway down the street, balancing on the curb. The whole time I was outside, I was listening to an Indie playlist. I took a glimpse at the park and saw someone there, so I turned around and headed home. Instead of taking the usual second right, I walked straight and turned right there instead because it took up a little more time. Had I gone the longer way, I would pass by streets that reminded me of my lonliness - I refer to those streets as the "emo streets." I wanted to go to a park and go on the swing, but the only vacant park by Christian's would also fill me with longing memories. Instead, I sat at the bench in front of the lake a few streets away from mine. Upon entering the scene, my mind was filled with memories from pervious years. I remember picking up trash with Theresa, Brooke, and Iramae and my sister for a 7th grade science project. I remember riding my bike down the scoop of land with Rochelle during the last days of 8th grade and walking our bikes around the lake, seeing a dog, and retreating back to the bench, laughing yet scared all the way through. I remember standing at the lake's edge with my sister, and my childhood friends Trevor and Ashley. I remember sitting on the bench when Trevor Visited me a few months over a year ago with Rochelle, Richard, and Patrick and catching up with him. I remember walking to the lake with Rochelle, my sister, Patrick, and her grandparents and cool summer afternoons and feeding ducks. I remember throwing old pandesal to the ducks. I remember throwing doritos at the ducks with Rochelle on one of our days off from school during middle school. I remember watching the little turtle heads poke out of the murky water. I remember being on the other side of the lake by Kiki's house and watching Andre hang on to the branches. I remember him telling us about the time he fell into the lake while trying to retrieve a ball. I remember trying to look for rocks and pebbles with my sister so we could throw it in the water. I remember seeing Chelsea and her dad across the lake from Kiki's side, trying to find her escaped parrot. I remember staring into the lake, longing to take a dip on unbearable humid days. I remember looking at a sweater that washed up on the lake's small shore and believeing a tale that a girl tried skating on the frozen lake and fell in the water. I remember throwing garlic into the lake on some jogs with my sister and Rochelle. I remember trying to follow the ducks, hoping to get in close contact with them only to find them quacking away into the water. I remember watching the ducks and their ducklings swim around the lake against the current.

The lake actually looked healthy today, only because it reflected a cloudless, pure blue sky.

I miss spring and summer

I miss having bare legs and wearing sandals and tank tops every day. I miss the warmth of the sun accompanied by the cool breeze. I miss the long days and fiery twiight skies. I miss the early sunrise and waking up to my room being totally filled with sunlight at 7 in the morning. I miss the beach. I miss not going to school and not waking up early. I miss eveything about summer.

Haiti

Man, it's so sad there was an earthquake. It's not fair, did you know that they are the poorest country on the western hemisphere? The twin parish of my church is in Haiti, and there is a social reform group at my church that is dedicated to them. When I heard there was an earthquake (the worst one in years) I felt grief wash over me. Those people are my brothers and sisters, I felt like I had lost family. Ironically, all the CCD classes of my church are supposed to send Peanut Butter to Haiti because everyone there benefits from it. Peanut butter doesn't really expire, so that's good considering it takes about a month to be shipped there. I think our church will be sending a lot more than peanut butter this year.

I actually considered taking a trip to Haiti with the people from my church because I heard it was a humbling experience. I heard that when the people got there, they cried. I wish I could go there and help them. I wish I was a doctor and cure all the hurt. But I can only do so much as to donate.

Please keep the victims of the earthquake that took place in Haiti in your prayers.

P.S. If you have a tumblr, you should join the group that supports Haiti! kbai.

Hello 2010

2009 was AMAZING.
It was also a turning point for me and it is a year that I will NEVER forget. There has been a lot of good and bad but what is life without its bumps on the road?
I know for a fact that 2010 will top 2009.
More memories, more fun.
It's going to be great, and I can't wait.


Surprisingly, I don't have many New Years Resolutions except for trying to seize the day everyday. I'm also going to start a 365 self portrait project.

Let's see what the year will briing!