a time for letting go

first batch:
i didn't want to wash the covers because they still smelled like you somehow. i felt like if i washed them, i'd wash you away. i know it's silly, but that's really how i felt. i was listening to "such great heights" when i put them in the washer (i had to), I took one look at the make up stained blanket, and i closed the washer. as i did that, the song ended.

i put your picture in front of the roses, and whenever i go through the door, i felt your eyes on me. sometimes, i couldn't even look at you. but it's just a picture. my mom asked me why i kept the roses and your picture there. "he doesn't even like you." i then figured it was pointless to keep them there. i was afraid to put them away because i feared i wouldn't feel your presence anymore. but today i got over that fear. i felt like you didn't need to watch me anymore. the little things i got from you had a place, but other things were loose. i put all the things without a place in a box, so that they would have a place. the items were like memories. they were loose, they didn't have a place, but i finally put them away. i finally felt ready to let go.
---
second batch:
i gathered your origami and notes and stuffed them into a box labeled "time's long past." i sort of felt bad, for stuffing your origami into that small box because i know you worked so hard on them. i tried finding the things you gave me, but it wasn't much. we shared something special, and then it turned into something that didn't seem special at all. was i wrong to push my memories with you away? everytime i think about you, i get angry. whenever i see you, i get angry. i haven't tried to forgive you, because the things you did to me were just so stupid. although you did those stupid things in the end, i loved you. i actually wanted to deal with everything, even when it was too much. you will always be my first love. everything we went through happened for a reason. i just wish you changed for the better, not the worse. i hope you realize how much you've changed, i hope you realize why things don't ever turn out the way you want them to, i hope you realize why i didn't give you a second chance. and i hope you won't continue to be a jerk to me and everyone else around you. and i hope you give me my stuff back someday, especially that picture of me bowling because i never even gave that to you.
---
good thing i already put your notes somewhere, in that heart shaped box you gave me for valentines day. that was the first year i ever had a valentine. i won't ever forget that day. i met up with you and your friend, you were wearing that black dress up shirt, all black actually. we went to our friends and hung out in the living room while the other couple made lumpia. and that day i got my first kiss. everytime i look back on that day, i just laugh. no one would ever expect you'd be my first kiss, and no one would ever expect that you'd miss, hahahahaha. i hope everything works out for you, you're a pretty good guy.

i didn't feel bad when i put both of you in that box, i actually smiled because i knew i've already let go.
---

it took me forever to find your note. i dug through my drawer for a few minutes only to realize i already put it in another box. i retrieved the note and read it. You typed that note, the only typed "love note" i've ever recieved. You had a lot of typos, but that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the content of the note. I still can't believe you made my wish came true, even when I had no feelings for you at the time of your arrival. In the note, you said you would always love me, no matter what. you told me not to forget you, and you would never forget me. you told me to keep in touch. I teared up after i read it, because it reminded me of the day I saw you after five years.

Before you came, when I "loved" you, I always imagined what it would be like. I always thought it would be like those movies, where I ran into your arms and started kissing you or something. I remember before I left to go see you, I told my parents I knew of your arrival, and I wasn't supposed to know. My dad told me not to kiss you. I walked through the door and into the kitchen, and there you were, in your red polo shirt. We hugged, and you held me in your arms for the longest time. I've never heard anyone's heart beat that fast and that loud before. And you smelled really good. I never knew that it would be so silent, I never expected us to be so shy and quiet around each other. And I never expected you to tell me you loved me before you left, and I never expected myself not to say anything back to you. It wasn't worth it, you said, and I still feel bad.

I'm glad I got to see you months after that, when everything between us was good, and it wasn't akward anymore. I'll never forget you. How could I ? You've made a big impact on my life. I always wonder how you're doing, and I wonder if i'll ever win the bet- to see if you'd be married by 2028.

I put your note in the same box labled "time's long past" along with your cross country shirt that had your name printed on it. You belong with the rest of the boys.
---